Family-sized void.

I have a husband and 21 month old daughter. But I have a family-sized void in my life.

If my life was a book, it would have two parts separated by the year 2008.

In 2008, my father and grandmother (who was my best friend) died three months apart. My father’s death was completely unexpected and, while we had a very complicated relationship, his death seems to have destroyed me like no other. In addition to this, I moved to Seattle in late 2007, left Christianity in early 2008, and met my future husband in April 2008.

So it was a big year, for better and worse, and the single most defining. Truly, few people know both the before 2008 and after 2008 Peggy.

I have no siblings and my mom died when I was 19, in 1997.

I have an aunt, uncle, and cousins who have welcomed my husband, daughter and I into their world. We are always welcome, never expected. We are still extras.

Going through anorexia without any family is really hard. Going through life without any family is really hard. It’s downright depressing. No parents, no siblings (which means no nieces or nephews and no aunts/uncles/cousins for my daughter thanks to my husband also being an only child), no grandparents. Every life event, my wedding, being pregnant, raising my daughter, feels so lonely. I have no one.

So I rely heavily on people I shouldn’t. Too much on my husband, who is just one person and can’t carry all my burden. Too much on my best friend, who has a busy and big family and a thousand girls who call her their best friend. And then I try to rely on anyone besides those two and immediately remember how out of balance any other relationship is. I’m not my aunt’s daughter.

I can’t do life on my own but I’m not sure what other choice I have. I am alone. I have my anorexia to keep me warm…except I’m colder than I ever have been in my life.

I have a family-sized void and I can’t fill it with food. What can I fill it with?

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