Ups and downs.

Anyone who knows what’s going on and asks how I’m doing or how the program is, my response is “Ups and downs”.

I feel like I go back and forth constantly on whether I want to recover. I like being at 110. I wasn’t trying to lose any more weight once I got there. I was pretty happy with my body.

But apparently, 110 is completely unacceptable. My “set point”, the range in which my body is happy and healthy, is 130-150, according to my dietitian. Honestly, I kind of get it because that is where my body has hovered most of my adult life. However, I’m not sure how to be happy in that range.

I learned in treatment recently about my self-worth pie chart. Essentially, it’s a pie of all the sources of a person’s self-worth. For a healthy, balanced person, the pie has a variety of sources that are all fairly in balance. For an ED person, the body image/weight becomes a disproportionately large slice of the pie. I definitely see this in myself. If the scale says something I don’t like, my day is ruined.

Left to my own devices, I spend evenings skipping the afternoon snack and skimping on dinner. I spend the weekend back at 900-1100 calories (which is slightly higher than what I was eating when I started treatment but not by much). I guess I do need residential, and they intend to send me there next Monday. I convinced them to wait until after my birthday so I’m not spending my 40th stuck in there with virtual strangers being force fed and feeling miserable. I don’t think it would go well for me.

I finished the book Wasted (author: Marya Hornbacher). The added afterword for this reprinting was inspiring. I’m feeling one of my “ups”.

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