Hi ho, hi ho.

It’s off to residential I go.

A spot has opened and insurance has approved so I will check into residential on Monday, two days after my 40th birthday.

At this point, even I think it’s probably for the best. My disordered behavior reared it’s very ugly head this week. Here’s a recap:

Last Tuesday: went for a one-hour run in the sun. I stopped about 40 minutes in to let a car pass and noticed I felt really weird, wobbly legs and a bit dizzy. I resumed running, and felt normal again. At the end of the run, I again felt wobbly and dizzy. I walked it off, drank some water, picked up my daughter from daycare and drove home feeling okay. when I got home, I started cooking dinner and had to stop about 10 minutes in because I just couldn’t stand up anymore. My husband took over while I lay on the couch. I woke up a few times in the night feeling nauseated, but felt normal by morning.

Wednesday: the program’s head therapist and dietitian called me in to let me know the care team’s recommendation for me is residential care. I asked for another day to get a weight check and was told yes, but there isn’t a number that will change the recommendation.

Thursday: that morning at home, I had gained weight. I asked the head therapist and dietitian to check my weight and talk to me again about the recommendation. They did, confirmed the weight gain, and confirmed it did not change their minds. That afternoon, I realized I was feeling frustrated and upset that it seemed no matter what I did, they were going to send me to residential.

Saturday and Sunday: Usual return to fewer calories. In addition, I continued feeling that my effort in PHP didn’t matter because of the inevitability of residential. One of my weekend goals was to buy an “off limits” food at the grocery store. I bought a flavor of Halo Top that was more than the 280 calories flavors, a whopping 360.

Monday evening: I decided to try the “off limits” Halo top flavor. It was delicious. My usual evening snack is a half-pint of a 280-calorie Halo Top and one Girl Scout cookie. On this evening, I ate the half-pint of the 360-calorie flavor and a cookie. Then…as I watched Cake Wars on Hulu, I could not stop thinking about the rest of the ice cream. After a while, I just decided to eat the rest of the pint. And a few more cookies. And some other stuff. And then I felt like crap. And beat myself up. And thought I was a fatty.

Tuesday morning: Yep, I gained weight. Well, I deserve it after what I did. My time in program went a little better that day. I met with my individual therapist and dietitian, ending the day with my dietitian who always makes me feel better. I determined to have my afternoon snack (which I had only had twice since starting treatment). I bought a fruit & yogurt bowl and ate half of it. I started reading a book called Intuitive Eating that is the ultimate goal (more on that in another post), which inspired me to take a SUPER risk and get a small french fry at McDonald’s. I was feeling actually proud of myself after eating the fries. Oh, but THEN.

For my evening snack, I binged again in a very similar fashion as Monday evening. This time, I sat around thinking I could never fall asleep from the guilt of it all so I got dressed and at 9:00PM (my usual bedtime), I sneaked out of my house and ran for an hour. The weather was a pleasant 58 degrees and it was perfect for running. When I stopped, I didn’t feel any of the strange physical sensations I had last week, to my relief.

Wednesday morning: Eye doctor appointment, breakfast on my own. So? No breakfast. Headed to program afterward. Evenings have returned to normal, again to my relief. I was scared that I was starting to form a new binge eating pattern.

I now weigh 114.6. I am already unhappy with how I am looking. I can’t imagine going to residential and gaining all the weight I think I will.  Looking back at the past week, though, I think residential is probably in order.

The other clients in my program who came from residential make it sound like prison. Never alone, they check your toilets, meds and razors are locked up. How am I going to do this? And that’s not even the eating ridiculous amounts of food or being away from my daughter parts!

I can do this. I can do this. I think…

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