Introducing Ana.

I’ve decided to call my eating disorder Ana instead of Ed. For a few reasons:

  1. I’m more connected to my eating disorder as a female than male.
  2. It’s more specific (Ana for anorexia rather than Ed for eating disorder).
  3. Ana is still extremely present in my life, maybe more now than ever, but she has taken on a new form in treatment than pre-treatment. New form, new name.

Some of Ana’s rules in treatment that I didn’t have before:

  1. I can eat breakfast and AM snack.
  2. I cannot finish lunch or dinner. I should only eat half at the most.
  3. Grains are bad.
  4. I may finish the boost; I am allowed to decide in the moment.
  5. I need to calorie count so I can eat less and know exactly where I stand.
  6. I will run in the shower, as it’s my only opportunity to exercise here besides the yoga and mindful walks.
  7. I will body check when I am alone in the bathroom.
  8. When on passes, I should try to be without Jesse so I can skip eating and try to fit in exercise.

I’m sure there are more rules Ana has for me, but I have realized these new rules since being in treatment.

(Disclaimer: this post may make me sound crazy. I do not hear voices, just FYI. I’m learning that it’s beneficial for recovery if I can separate the voice of my eating disorder from my Peggy voice. Then, I can be in a position to fight the disorder by recognizing thoughts as though they are not mine and choose to fight for what I want, rather than what Ana wants. I hope that makes sense.)

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