THE NUMBER.

The first weekend pass that I went to my house, I didn’t think to weigh myself. I can’t believe it. JJ brought it up after the fact and I was shocked I hadn’t thought of it. Be sure, though, that it didn’t leave my mind from that moment until my next opportunity.

JJ had hidden my scale so I had to have a conversation with him before being able to do it. I told him I really wanted to, and he brought me the scale.

Background: all I’ve gotten out of anyone at residential is that I’m between 115-120. They told me that two weeks straight before I weighed myself.

So, I did it. The number made my mouth fall open. 123. How am I 120 max there for two weeks and 123 at home? Miraculously, I held it together for the rest of the weekend so I could keep my passes.

On Monday morning, I fell apart. I couldn’t stand that number. It was eating away at me, feeling like giant curds of fat growing all over my stomach, hips and thighs. I felt disgusting, fat, gross. The 120s…how had I let this happen?

I barely ate breakfast (1 TBSP of guacamole only), but at lunch…I had a full on panic attack. I left the kitchen and struggled with a panic attack for a while. When I finally caught my breath, I called JJ, who of course was completely wonderful for the millionth time. I have no idea why he puts up with me, but I love him so much. I can only hope he keeps loving me through this.

The other problem with this whole weight thing is that I was feeling like the treatment team was riding a very fine line of lying to me. How was I three pounds over the max of the range they had given me for two weeks?

I discussed this at length with my therapist. She talked with the dietitian. The three of us then met, and they finally disclosed specific information. I had gone above the 120 just before my passes, no doubt because of the 48 hour 100% meal compliance rule. So that could potentially explain the 123. At this point in my treatment, they agreed to disclose my weight to me on Mondays and Fridays.

Yesterday morning, I weighed 118.6. I was relieved, though I still feel fat.

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