This blog is representative of my journey to recovery from anorexia and depression. I hope it can help others who are struggling to love and accept themselves and be a safe space to see what recovery can look like as it’s happening (most stuff out there is written by folks who have “recovered”) and support you holistically – with blogs posts, as well as organizations, reading, music and video resources.
To read most of my story, you can take a look at my Life Narrative as well as two former blog posts: Diary of a Psychological Anorexic and Diary of an Actual Anorexic. Between these three essays, you’ll get the idea.
But for a quick synopsis:
I was born and raised in Texas. I was an only child, and an only grandchild on one side. I had an overall “normal” childhood. I was raised in church and claimed Christianity for my own faith as a freshman in high school. I went to a Christian college, did a stint as a missionary in West Africa after college, and worked at a Christian university after Africa.
I began struggling with anorexia in 2002, when I was in West Africa. I was deep in it from 2002-2004, which is the focus of Diary of a Psychological Anorexic. At the time, I thought it wasn’t really anorexia, just my brain was a little messed up around food.
Somehow, I snapped out of it in 2005 and maintained a “normal” weight, often thinking about my eating habits, my weight, and my body but not to the point of action. I yo-yoed the same 20 or so pounds for ten years until 2015, when I became pregnant.
I say that if I wrote a memoir, the book (my life) would split into two parts divided by the year 2008. That year, my identity shifted significantly:
- I moved to Seattle for grad school in 2007, and met my husband in early 2008
- My father and grandmother (my bestie) passed away three months apart in 2008
- I “left” Christianity in 2008
- Few people know me from before and after 2008
- My “family” became my aunt, uncle, and cousins
In 2012, I got married and in 2016, I became a mother to the most beautiful, kind, smart, funny little girl. She’s the Rory to my Lorelai.
After I had my daughter, I determined to lose the baby weight and get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. I accomplished that goal, but became obsessed with losing weight and being thin. In January 2018, I took myself to a counselor for help and was immediately diagnosed with severe anorexia and depression.
Since then, I have been in various levels of treatment from outpatient to daytime to residential and back to outpatient (that’s complicated, no one actually thinks I’m at an outpatient level).
I’m finding my way back to God and my faith foundation. I’m finding my way to a me that I can love and appreciate and be proud of (I would say finding my way “back” but I’m not sure I have ever really done this).